Building a Marriage that Lasts

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- Hey, welcome to Crossroads.

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I'm so glad that you joined us today.

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My name is Andy, I'm the pastor of

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a thing we call Crossroads Anywhere.

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It's a community of people meeting all over the world

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who don't just watch the same thing,

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but are a part of something together.

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- Yes, and I'm Rachel.

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I am also on the Anywhere team.

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And you know what I hate? - What do you hate?

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- I hate when people don't get to step into

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the fullness of everything God made them for.

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So my job on the team is to experiment

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with creating everything we possibly can

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to help you grow and actually belong

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and fully become who God made you to be,

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no matter where you live.

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- Yes, Rachel and I are married.

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We get to work on this stuff together.

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It's awesome.

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And we're all about creating a community that

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you can fully belong to no matter where you live.

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Crossroads a church of people meeting

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physically and digitally all across the globe.

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And you're actually joining us for the kickoff

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of our summer road trip.

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We're going to be visiting some of

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the different locations and expressions of our church.

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- And one thing we want to start off celebrating

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is City Serve Day.

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Thousands of you from all over gathered

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to make a difference in your local communities,

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to actually love your neighbor tangibly.

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And here's a glimpse into some of

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the good stuff that happened.

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- Last week we packed up, hit the road,

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and got to work

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to serve the people around us on City Serve Day.

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From painting to building and planting to cleaning,

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helping our partners and giving back

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to our communities with over 1900 volunteers

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and 49 projects.

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The impact was huge and needed. Way to go.

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God asks us to serve and love our neighbors,

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and we're not stopping any time soon.

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Learn why we serve and how to get involved

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at Crossroads.net/Go.

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- I love it, yeah, and whether or not

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you were able to take part in City Serve Day,

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remember that this is about more than

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just one day of action.

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This is something we can do

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in our local communities all year long.

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And if you need help with the how, man,

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check out Crossroads.net/go

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or just shoot us an email at

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anywhere@crossroads.net.

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- And we also want you to know that

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days like City Serve Day are made possible

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by the generosity of normal people like you.

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We pool our resources at Crossroads

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to aggressively pursue the mission God gives our team.

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And I know giving talk makes you cringe, I get it.

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We just moved. Finances are really tight.

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But we also get a front row seat

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to the amazing stuff that our giving goes to.

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And when I look at that, I know that

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it's the best place for us to put our money,

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even when it's hard.

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So if you'd like to be a part of that,

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you can go to Crossroads.net/give.

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Now we're gonna get ready to do something

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that we call worship.

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And worshiping isn't just singing songs,

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but this is a big part of it, and it's a way

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that we can just move powerfully

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and align ourselves with the truths

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of who God is and who He says that we are.

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And when we do it, something actually shifts.

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So join us in singing to a God who loves us

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so much that it changes everything.

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- That's it, ya'll!

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We're gonna praise Him today.

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Sometimes you gotta dance, you know?

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So if you feel like dancing, you can dance right here.

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Let's do it.

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- How many know He's worthy?

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- That's who he is because of what he laid down.

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These next words are not a statement of perfection,

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they're a statement of sincerity,

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where I want to aim my heart and my life

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because of what He's done.

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- You may be new in this place.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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You may be new with us online or in the room,

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I know it sounds crazy, but I find my life --

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I found my life when I laid it down.

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I found my true self at the end of myself

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because of who Jesus is, because of Him being

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the restorer, the repair, or the Redeemer,

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the rebuilder, the one who lifts us up,

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the one who created us.

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If it sounds crazy to you, same to me.

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And I keep reminding myself that it's true.

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So, Jesus, I pray to You because You're worthy,

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because through You all things were created,

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because you are the very Word of God spoken

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that showed us what God looks like

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and came to be with us.

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You are not distant.

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You are holy. Set apart.

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You are not like me.

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You are holy and You are with me.

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You are holy and You are with us.

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I praise You and I bless You, Jesus. Amen. Amen.

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So glad you showed up, so glad you're online

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and brought your heart to the place.

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You know, one of the places this sacrifice

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shows up for me is in my talents and my skills

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and my ideas and creativity, my relationships,

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also my finances.

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And so my family and I, we worship

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at Crossroads.net/give.

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And you can do that with us there too.

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Before you grab a seat, why don't you turn to somebody,

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just give me your name.

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Say, "Hey, I'm glad you showed up."

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If you're online, glad you're here with us.

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So good to be with you.

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- What's up, Crossroads? - What's up?

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- My name is Joel. - And I'm Deebo.

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Joel, what are we doing here?

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- Brian did tell me to be here, but he's not here.

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- Yeah. [phone dings] - Crap. Hold on.

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Oh, I thought I was being rude, but it's Brian.

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- Okay. What did he say?

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- Tome. You've got a move if you want to grow

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and that's true physically AND spiritually.

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Okay. This is our series. - Cool. Okay.

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- All right. Each week this summer

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you will go "on the move"

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on a summer road trip of sorts

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to Crossroads locations and share something

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that God is doing there. It could be fun.

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You must return the camper in one piece.

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- Camper? What?

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- This man and his camps.

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Oh gosh. - That camper.

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- And he wants it back in one piece

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to go to all the locations.

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- I'm not driving. You're driving.

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- It's like a 25 foot camper. - No one wants me driving that.

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- All right. And the map -- Maybe he'll send a map.

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- Oh. Oh. Here we go, a map.

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- And card. - Okay. And card.

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- Will help you get started.

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I will be watching. In his grip, Brian.

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All right, let's see what's happening here.

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- Here's the map okay.

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And there's these little icons next to each site.

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- Donuts. And Lexington has a prayer hands,

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because they're the holy site. All right.

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- All right, let me open this. Let me open this.

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- Yeah. I'm confused.

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- All of these cards say something different.

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- Okay. They've got different symbols. Okay.

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- And corresponding to the map.

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- So each week we will go on a road trip.

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- To all of our sites. - With you driving.

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- No. You're driving. - In this camper.

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- Yeah. And I think we're going to talk about

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all the amazing things God has done.

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- Okay. - And all of our sites.

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- All right. Does it say anything else?

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- Yeah. Oh, it says collect all six

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and win a free ice cream

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at participating locations while supplies last.

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- Yeah. Seems like a lot of work, I'm down though.

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- Okay, let's do this.

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All right. We have to figure out this.

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- We got this. - Oh, wow.

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- Oh my gosh. Okay, cool.

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The different locations.

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- Little tiles and patio furniture.

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- We can do this. - Oh, we're doing it now.

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Are we doing this now?

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- Let's just see what we got.

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- We have to go to the places first.

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Is it hitched? - It looks good to me.

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- All right, all right. Let's do this. Let's do this.

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- Have you ever driven a camper before?

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- No. I have a 2007 Toyota Rav4.

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- Same thing. It's gotta be. - Same thing.

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- How hard can it be? Let's do it.

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- This summer we're hitting the road

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and navigating a life of faith together.

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Crossroads is one church with many locations,

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and each week we'll use the map

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to explore a different place and story

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and hear the amazing things that God is doing.

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- Where are we going today, Debo?

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- Well, today we're going to Dayton and Columbus.

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- All right. Those are some of

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our furthest locations, I believe.

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- Yep, farthest north and our two newest sites.

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- What are the location icons

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for Dayton and Columbus?

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- Well, the icon is a rocket ship

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and it says we're not done yet.

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- Rocket ship? - Yeah.

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- Dayton, the Wright brothers

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and the Wright Patterson Air Force Base is there.

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- Is that where they keep the aliens?

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So we are here with Vicki,

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the community pastor here at Crossroads Columbus.

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Thank you so much for being here, Vicki.

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- Yeah, welcome to Columbus.

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- So where are we? What is this place?

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- We are in Polaris.

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We are nestled between Cheesecake Factory

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and Dave and Buster's at a place called Cohatch Polaris.

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And we're here because this is where

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Crossroads Columbus temporarily rents space

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for weekend services and for things

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like groups throughout the week.

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- Tell me how did this start?

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How did Crossroads Columbus start?

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- Yeah, Crossroads Columbus started

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as an Anywhere community that was gathering

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and building friendships

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and watching service online together.

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And it eventually grew to the point that

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it was ready for next steps.

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We've been here at Cohatch for almost 18 months.

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- So, what is next?

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- Right now we are praying for

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and planning for our next steps.

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We do need a larger facility to start to meet in,

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and we are hopeful that that will happen

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and we can continue to grow.

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- I love that we're growing.

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I love that there's more to come.

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Why would we want to grow?

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Why should we want to grow as a church?

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- All through the Bible, we see places

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where people who are growing the church

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and growing the Kingdom went to

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people where they were and they met them there.

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And I also just think on a more personal level,

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somebody invited me to Crossroads

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many years ago and it changed my life.

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- Well, thanks for chatting with me.

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- I'm so glad you came to visit.

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- Yeah, it's been so good to talk to you.

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We actually have to hit the road.

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We're in our summer series

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and we're now heading to Dayton

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to chat with Matt Castleman.

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- I'm a little concerned about y'all getting there

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with this huge Airstream.

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- I would be too. I would be too.

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It's going to be scary. - You can make it.

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- We made it.

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- We almost killed each other, but we made it.

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- We made it, but there's no way

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that Airstream has all its tires still.

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But most of them. Yeah, most of them.

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Well, we're here in Dayton, and this dude's here.

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- Hey. - Oh, I saw the Airstream

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and the housing market's crazy right now.

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So I was hoping I could just camp out with you.

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- Absolutely. Yes, absolutely.

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We have it for the weekend. Well, in all seriousness,

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we're here with Matt Castleman, the Dayton Community Pastor.

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And Dayton is considered the South.

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Did you know that? It's official.

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- According to Antarcticans, yes, I think so.

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- Correct. No, no, no, it's official

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because a southern only gas station chain

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is coming to Dayton.

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- Really? This is honestly the first time

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I'm hearing this news about a gas station

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that everyone loves.

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Oh my gosh, what was I sitting on?

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These are for you, some Buc-ee's swimtrunks.

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- Buc-ee's is coming to Dayton. - Now, you're official.

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- You got my size exactly correct.

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- I got a serious question. - Yeah.

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- Are there aliens in Dayton?

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- I can neither confirm nor deny.

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But if you'll look at this light really quickly

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and just -- There you go.

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What was the next question?

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- Let's talk Crossroads Dayton history.

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How did this place even get started?

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- Two friends in 2016 got it started,

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have been setting up and tearing down service

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ever since in a beautiful middle school auditorium.

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- Man, that setup and teardown

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just sounds so intense.

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How many man hours does it take to do that?

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- Oh gosh, it's in the millions. Honestly.

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It's some weeks it feels like that.

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I mean, it's not the most glamorous part,

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but gosh, I mean, some people are there

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seven, eight hours or spread out over two days.

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So, yeah, on an average weekend,

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hundreds of volunteers.

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I mean, it's hundreds of man hours.

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- Wow. - That's awesome.

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- Our theme for today is that we're not done yet.

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And so we've come here to collect our rocket ship,

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or part of it, to prove that we're not done yet.

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- Great.

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- And so although the middle school

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has been amazing or suitable in many senses,

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I know it's not the end result. So what's next?

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- The nice thing is, we're almost constantly

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having to sit out more seats on the weekend

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because more and more people are coming

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and inviting their friends,

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because their lives are being changed

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and then their friends lives are being changed.

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And so we're outgrowing the space.

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Great problem to have.

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And so we have a permanent building.

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We bought a Sears building that's adjacent

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to this Dayton mall and are renovating

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100,000 square feet of that to have

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an immersive auditorium environment for 1600 seats,

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and a balcony and an atrium that has direct access

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into the mall and outside for open hours

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throughout the week.

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Crossroads having a presence in Dayton

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is just scratching the surface of what God wants

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to do in transforming our community.

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- Thanks for being here, Matt. It's been awesome.

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We've loved getting to hear more about Dayton

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and more about your story. So thank you so much.

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- Swing by anytime. See you at Buc-ee's.

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- You work there?

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- Yeah, I'll be there the evening shifts.

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- But these are mine. I am keeping these. Yeah.

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- You gotta move if you want to grow.

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That's true physically and spiritually.

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This summer, we're looking at six important moves

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you can make to experience God more fully.

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And today, we're hearing from Kyle

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about how love and marriage can either

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propel us forward or burn us down

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from the book of 1 John.

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- Well, hey, how are you, everybody?

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Good to be with you. We are in this new series.

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Got this summer road trip theme. I love that.

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By the way, special shout out to Dayton

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and Columbus, thanks for even giving us

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just a glimpse into what God's doing

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in your communities.

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It is awesome awesome, awesome to see.

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I'm Kyle, lead pastor here at Crossroads,

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if we haven't met.

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My family actually just got back from a summer road trip.

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We did our vacation early.

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Very thankful to be able to do that

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and get away for a little while.

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We did a road trip out west. It was awesome.

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It's something we've been planning for

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and saving for for years, scraping together

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every hotel point we could find

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and, like, Kohl's Cash and cereal box tops and whatever.

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You know, just trying to make the thing work.

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It's awesome.

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We went out to the the national parks out west

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and we hiked. And when I say hiked, I mean hiked.

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We did over 100 miles in the desert with all of our kids.

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It was incredible. Absolutely incredible.

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Now some of you hear that and you're like,

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"What's wrong with your head?

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Why in the world would you go to the desert

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and hike with your kids?

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Why not be like a normal American

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and take them to the beach and relax?"

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If you have that thought in your head,

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I know something about you.

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You've never taken a kid to the beach, have you?

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Because it's not relaxing.

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It's terrible. It's absolutely awful.

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Personal opinion, you don't have to agree with me.

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Personal opinion: I think we should ban kids from beaches.

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I do, I'm not anti kid, I'm just pro beach.

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I want to preserve the experience, that's all.

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Before we had kids, Sarah and I would go to the beach.

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It was awesome. We'd get like pack a cooler for the day.

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We bring our Kindles.

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We'd take a nap on the beach,

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go for a nice relaxing walk just the two of us,

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float in the waves. It was spectacular.

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And then we had kids and it was ruined.

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It was awful.

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When you add kids to the beach,

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it's like adding Mentos to Coke.

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It's just [explosion FX], just awful.

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Two main problems that I see.

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One is the sunscreen problem.

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Now, I don't know who changed this.

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I don't know what gave them the right to change it.

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I don't know how they decided for all of us,

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but sunscreen is different now.

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When I was a kid, we'd go to the beach

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and my parents would look up at the sky

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and they'd see the blazing sun, you know,

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98 degrees or whatever.

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And they're like, "Maybe we should dab

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a little SPF 2 on him."

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Just go di, di, di. "That should last all day.

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Great. Get out there. Have fun."

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Not anymore. The rules have changed.

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Now you have to apply SPF 4000

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to your kid every eight minutes head to toe

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or you're going to get judge-y looks

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from everybody around you.

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I know because I've had this happen to me.

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It's awful.

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And if you've never tried to put sunscreen

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on a kid, it's like trying to give a cat a bath.

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Like it's a lot of claws, a lot of shaking.

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You know, the whole time they're like,

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"Don't spray it in my eyes," as they're like

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tracking the eyes perfectly with the spray bottle.

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I think I've only ever sprayed my kids

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in the eyes, actually,

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that's all I've ever managed to do. It's awful.

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Sunscreen's problem number one.

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Problem number two is the younger they are,

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especially, the more they have, like,

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this intrinsic death radar, like GPS

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for what will kill them at the beach

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and they go straight for it.

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If you have a two year old and there's big waves,

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they're just going to walk in like Aquaman.?

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Like I'm just going to breathe underwater. You know?

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You look up and your kid's riding a great white shark.

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Like, that's bad. It's bad. It's really bad.

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So if you're taking your kid to the beach

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this summer, I'm going to pray for you.

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That's what I'm going to do right now.

00:31:26

God, thank you so much for everybody who's here.

00:31:28

Thank you for summer. Thank you for fun.

00:31:30

Thank you for vacations.

00:31:31

I know there's a lot of people in here

00:31:33

going lots of places,

00:31:34

people who are watching online from all over the place.

00:31:37

I ask that You would give us restful trips away.

00:31:39

God, that You give us times of relaxation

00:31:41

and refreshment and restoration with You.

00:31:43

And I pray for today's message

00:31:45

that we would hear directly from You,

00:31:47

and You would push us closer to who You are

00:31:50

and the life You want to give us. Amen.

00:31:52

Now it was an awesome trip.

00:31:54

It was an amazing trip. Absolutely incredible.

00:31:56

The kids did awesome with the hundred miles of hiking.

00:31:58

The whole thing was great except for the very first hike.

00:32:01

The very first hike was supposed to be,

00:32:04

by the way, one of the best hikes.

00:32:05

It's called Devil's Bridge Hike.

00:32:07

It's outside of Sedona, Arizona.

00:32:09

It's the number three rated hike in all of America.

00:32:12

If you use the Alltrails app,

00:32:13

any the Alltrails fans out there?

00:32:15

Awesome, number three hike.

00:32:16

So I was looking forward to it. It's going to be fantastic.

00:32:19

And so we set off on this hike.

00:32:21

It's 100 degrees in the desert.

00:32:23

The sun is blazing. It's 2 p.m.

00:32:27

You have to climb a mountain to get to Devil's Bridge.

00:32:30

Everyone is struggling. It's sweating.

00:32:33

It's just awful, awful, awful, awful, awful.

00:32:36

This hike is the worst hike

00:32:38

I think I've ever done in my entire life.

00:32:41

Bad. But I'm a millennial

00:32:43

and so I wanted pictures of my kids smiling,

00:32:45

and I forced them to do this

00:32:46

through yelling and threatening them.

00:32:48

And so this is the picture of them.

00:32:49

It's total lies. All the smiles are fake.

00:32:52

It's because I was like, "Yeah, you smile.

00:32:55

I just need a picture." Just did this.

00:32:57

It's absolutely awful.

00:32:58

I bring this up because I want you

00:33:01

to not go to Devil's Bridge. Avoid it.

00:33:04

If you find yourself in the desert out west

00:33:07

and someone says, "Devil's Bridge is that way,"

00:33:09

do not go there. It's awful.

00:33:14

This actually applies to our message, by the way.

00:33:17

See, this message is about marriage.

00:33:20

It's not just for married people,

00:33:21

though for sure it is.

00:33:22

It's for anybody who someday hopes to be married.

00:33:24

Maybe right now you're in high school,

00:33:26

but you have a dream of getting married,

00:33:28

in college, have a dream of getting married,

00:33:30

or you're a single, you hope to.

00:33:31

Awesome. This message is for you, too.

00:33:33

Or maybe you're somebody who doesn't plan

00:33:35

on getting married in your life,

00:33:37

but you have friends who are married

00:33:39

and you want to be able to support them.

00:33:41

This message will give you, I think, the key

00:33:43

that you need to be able to support them well.

00:33:47

The truth is, every person who ever has been

00:33:49

or ever will be married will find themselves

00:33:53

in a desert in their marriage.

00:33:54

It will be hot. It will be dry.

00:33:57

You will be tired. You will be exhausted.

00:34:00

You will want to quit.

00:34:01

And out of the corner of your eye

00:34:02

you're going to see over that way a devil's bridge,

00:34:05

a way out of the marriage.

00:34:07

And you're going to see people who say,

00:34:09

"This is amazing, it's incredible. You should take it."

00:34:12

But friends, I'm here to tell you

00:34:13

do not take the way out.

00:34:16

I use that term intentionally, by the way, Devil's Bridge.

00:34:19

That might sound extreme to you,

00:34:21

but the Bible says that you have an enemy,

00:34:24

the devil. He's the father of lies.

00:34:26

And his goal is to steal, kill and destroy.

00:34:29

And I believe he's been telling a lie

00:34:31

about the foundations of what love

00:34:34

and marriage really are that has been

00:34:36

tricking people into taking the bridge out,

00:34:38

and therefore has stolen one of

00:34:39

the biggest blessings in life you can ever have:

00:34:43

a healthy, thriving, God-centered marriage.

00:34:48

You know everybody in some moment in their life

00:34:51

they'll hear this whisper

00:34:52

in the back of their head, "Take the bridge.

00:34:54

Maybe it's time to get out."

00:34:56

It starts as a whisper in the back of your mind.

00:34:58

It sounds something like, "Man,

00:35:01

she just doesn't appreciate me.

00:35:03

Man, maybe he's never going to change.

00:35:06

Maybe I'm just the easiest place for her

00:35:08

to blame all of her problems on.

00:35:12

She changed, he changed, I changed.

00:35:14

We used to work. We just don't work anymore.

00:35:16

Maybe we never will again."

00:35:17

It starts as a whisper in the back of your mind.

00:35:20

I don't know where you are right now in your life.

00:35:22

Maybe you're hiking in the desert

00:35:24

of a dry, hot marriage right now.

00:35:26

Or maybe you're just the first time this morning

00:35:29

heard that whisper in the back of your mind.

00:35:31

I don't know, but no matter where you are today,

00:35:33

I honestly have good news for you.

00:35:35

I believe a thriving, life-giving marriage

00:35:38

is possible for you.

00:35:39

I'm going to tell you how

00:35:40

I believe God says you can have it.

00:35:42

First, I do want to address two unique audiences up front.

00:35:45

One is if you are in a abusive relationship right now,

00:35:49

please do not interpret this message

00:35:50

as me or God or the Bible saying you need to stay.

00:35:54

No, you need to get to safety. That's number one.

00:35:57

That's the most important thing.

00:36:01

Number two, if you're here, if you're watching,

00:36:03

if you're listening online and you're divorced,

00:36:05

please do not hear condemnation in this message.

00:36:08

That is not my heart. That is not my goal.

00:36:10

That's not the message I think God would have for you.

00:36:12

I know that divorce is painful and complicated.

00:36:15

I know friends this year who fought

00:36:17

for their marriage, who stayed in,

00:36:19

who tried to be faithful, who wanted it to work,

00:36:22

and the other one didn't,

00:36:23

and therefore it broke apart.

00:36:24

I know it's painful.

00:36:26

I'm not here to condemn you for that.

00:36:27

I'm here to give you grace and offer you grace.

00:36:29

What I hope happens for you today is that

00:36:32

your trust, your belief in the institution,

00:36:36

the idea of marriage not only gets restored,

00:36:39

but that maybe there's a spark in you

00:36:40

that hopes for it again in a new way

00:36:43

maybe you thought was just impossible for you.

00:36:46

I do have to be up front, though,

00:36:47

about what a great marriage costs.

00:36:49

Because it costs everything,

00:36:51

literally everything that you have,

00:36:54

everything that you are.

00:36:55

But, you know there's a better question

00:36:57

than what does it cost, it's what is it worth?

00:37:00

It's not my idea, that comes from Jesus.

00:37:02

He said this in Matthew 13:44. He says:

00:37:15

Why would the man do that?

00:37:16

Because he's smart enough not to just ask,

00:37:18

"What does it cost?" He said, "What is it worth?"

00:37:20

And it's worth everything.

00:37:22

So what's a great marriage worth?

00:37:23

Believe it is worth more than everything you have.

00:37:27

No other human to human relationship

00:37:30

can match what marriage has to offer

00:37:31

in terms of unity and safety and protection

00:37:34

and joy and commitment and partnership.

00:37:37

There are other great relationships.

00:37:38

There are amazing things.

00:37:39

But the Bible says that when you're married,

00:37:41

two people literally become one.

00:37:44

There's something amazing and special that happens,

00:37:46

something sacred, something mystical in marriage.

00:37:49

Nothing else is like it.

00:37:51

Now, how do you get that kind of connection?

00:37:54

How do you get there? Well, according to God,

00:37:57

it all comes down to the match,

00:37:59

which sounds a lot like modern dating,

00:38:01

by the way, especially online dating. Right?

00:38:03

It's all about the match in online dating.

00:38:05

That's what all the apps, all the websites,

00:38:07

all they promise, they'll just give you the right match.

00:38:10

And so what we do is we go on the apps

00:38:12

and we we go on the websites and we go on the dates,

00:38:14

and we try to just find out whether we match.

00:38:16

And there's no formula exactly.

00:38:18

But the idea is if you find enough matches,

00:38:20

you find the right partner. Right?

00:38:22

So stuff like, "Hey, do you like sushi?"

00:38:24

"Oh, I do like sushi." "Oh that's fantastic."

00:38:25

"How many kids do you want? Two and a half?

00:38:27

Me too. Awesome. Perfect. It's great."

00:38:30

And eventually you get enough matches

00:38:32

and you get engaged, and then you get married.

00:38:35

Sarah and I's story starts this way, very much so.

00:38:38

We were 24 when we started dating,

00:38:41

or I was actually, sorry, I was 23

00:38:43

when we started dating.

00:38:44

And right off the bat, I saw some positive signs in her,

00:38:49

three things that matched that I was just pumped about.

00:38:52

She liked sports, dark beer and steak.

00:38:54

And when I was that age, that was like

00:38:56

the holy trinity of stuff that mattered to me.

00:38:59

I was like, awesome, let's start dating.

00:39:01

And we started dating, getting closer together.

00:39:04

And that's pretty normal, pretty typical.

00:39:05

But this is where our story gets a little bit strange.

00:39:08

See, Sarah and I went together on

00:39:11

the first ever Go Trip that Crossroads ever does.

00:39:14

If you don't know what a Go Trip is,

00:39:15

it's where we send normal people like me and you

00:39:18

and whoever else wants to go,

00:39:20

whether or not you believe in Jesus or not,

00:39:21

by the way, will send you to another part

00:39:24

of the world just to help serve the poor

00:39:26

and the least of these in their homes.

00:39:28

They're amazing experiences.

00:39:29

And we got to go on the very first one

00:39:30

to South Africa together.

00:39:32

And on night one of this trip,

00:39:34

you're going to think I'm making this story up.

00:39:36

I promise I'm not.

00:39:37

Night one of this trip, Sarah and I

00:39:39

are at the hotel having

00:39:40

a completely normal conversation about something.

00:39:43

I don't know, like what we wanted to have

00:39:45

for dinner that night or what time the bus

00:39:47

was going to pick us up, something totally normal.

00:39:49

And in the middle of this conversation,

00:39:51

this voice that I instantly knew to be God's voice

00:39:54

dropped in uninvited, unexpected,

00:39:57

into the back of my mind and said,

00:39:58

"This is your wife."

00:40:00

And I was like, "What?" mid-sentence stop talking.

00:40:04

"What?" Crazier, at the exact same moment,

00:40:09

Sarah hears the same voice in her mind say,

00:40:12

"This is your husband," stop mid-sentence,

00:40:15

stared at each other, like, just awkward.

00:40:17

It felt like ten minutes.

00:40:18

"Um, you can talk, I can talk."

00:40:21

Finally, I was like, "Did you hear that?"

00:40:23

She goes, "Yeah, I did."

00:40:26

It's like, "What? I -- I heard you're my wife."

00:40:29

And she goes, "I heard you're my husband."

00:40:31

And we just sat there looking at each other,

00:40:33

it's wildly uncomfortable, still to this day,

00:40:36

I'm like, oh my gosh, it's so awkward, so strange.

00:40:39

Very strange. Now we were matched, point is,

00:40:45

by God Himself. Pinnacle of match.

00:40:48

I don't know that it gets better than that.

00:40:50

I don't know that that you can have

00:40:51

a better match than that.

00:40:53

Maybe you hear that story and you're like,

00:40:55

"Well, gosh, if God matched me and my spouse,

00:40:57

maybe I'd have a better marriage right now, Kyle.

00:40:59

Is that what you're saying?

00:41:01

Is that the point of this message?"

00:41:03

No, no, it's not, it's not.

00:41:05

You know the reason you think that, though,

00:41:07

is because you might believe

00:41:09

what popular culture teaches, which is that

00:41:12

it's all about the match,

00:41:14

so deeply that you don't even question it.

00:41:17

And, friends, that's the lie.

00:41:19

The lie is that it's about the match,

00:41:21

and that will utterly destroy you.

00:41:24

Because at some point in every single marriage,

00:41:26

probably more than once, by the way,

00:41:28

the sun will come out, the marriage will get

00:41:30

very dry and hot and painful,

00:41:33

and you'll hear this voice.

00:41:34

It might happen after a year, "Because, man,

00:41:37

we used to match, but now we don't.

00:41:40

We're different."

00:41:41

After three years, after seven years, ten years,

00:41:44

when the kids move out and you're empty nesters.

00:41:45

"Before we were, we were -- before we had kids

00:41:48

we really fit, but now that the kids are gone,

00:41:50

we kind of discover that we're not really a match anymore."

00:41:53

That's the lie that destroys marriages.

00:41:56

See, I'm convinced that the match matters exactly 0%.

00:41:59

How do I know? Because God Himself, I would say,

00:42:02

matched me and Sarah.

00:42:04

And that match has mattered exactly 0%

00:42:07

in our almost 18 year old marriage.

00:42:09

And it will matter exactly 0% in yours too.

00:42:14

See, after God said to get married,

00:42:16

we did very quickly, by the way, because,

00:42:18

you know, God said to.

00:42:20

So what would you do, drag your heels?

00:42:22

No, we started dating in February.

00:42:26

That trip happened in April.

00:42:28

In May I ask her to marry me,

00:42:29

and in September we got married, fast.

00:42:33

What does that mean? Thank you. Yes, it was great.

00:42:35

It was. Thank you for clapping. It was.

00:42:36

It was great. It was really, really good.

00:42:40

Now, what it meant, though, is

00:42:42

we were getting to know each other, like,

00:42:44

really know each other after we were married.

00:42:47

By the way, this will happen to you, too.

00:42:49

When I do premarital counseling with couples

00:42:51

in the first session, I sit them down

00:42:53

and I always say, you know.

00:42:54

So tell me about some of your most common arguments

00:42:57

and points of disagreement.

00:42:59

And almost 100 out of 100, you know what they say?

00:43:02

"Oh, we don't fight. We just love each other.

00:43:06

It's just there's no arguments."

00:43:09

And I go, "Oh, that's because

00:43:11

you're lying to each other right now.

00:43:14

This is a job interview.

00:43:16

That's what engagement is and dating is.

00:43:18

And then you get married and you've got the job

00:43:20

and the real you comes out."

00:43:24

Sarah and I were getting to know

00:43:25

the real us after we got we got married.

00:43:27

I mean, really, we were.

00:43:28

We celebrated Valentine's Day

00:43:30

six months into our marriage, basically.

00:43:31

That's crazy. It was like, "Hey, wife.

00:43:37

Don't tell me your name. I know it starts with an S.

00:43:39

Susan? Sarah. So close.

00:43:41

What do you want to do for Valentine's Day?

00:43:43

We've never done this before."

00:43:44

It was crazy. Now, what I discovered, though,

00:43:47

and what she discovered about me, is that

00:43:49

we were, and I would say are the world's worst match.

00:43:54

Literally, awful.

00:43:55

Every single thing is the opposite.

00:43:57

Every personality test we've ever taken,

00:43:59

we are the opposite.

00:44:01

All the Myers-Briggs letters, exactly different.

00:44:05

She's an introvert. I'm an extrovert.

00:44:07

She like wants to plan everything

00:44:09

and be very organized.

00:44:10

I'm spontaneous. I want to keep my options open.

00:44:13

She's very safety conscious.

00:44:15

I zoned out right after you said the word safety.

00:44:18

Not interested in it. Worst match.

00:44:21

And we can laugh about it now.

00:44:23

But I'm telling you, it was painful,

00:44:25

especially early on in our marriage

00:44:27

there were points where I would sit

00:44:28

and I would wonder, was this a mistake?

00:44:31

Did I hear that voice right?

00:44:32

And I know she thought the same exact thing.

00:44:34

Was this a mistake? We don't match together.

00:44:37

This is difficult. It's awful.

00:44:39

And so I decided to do the only logical thing,

00:44:42

which is to fix it.

00:44:43

And by it, I mean her.

00:44:46

I would just get her to match me. Right?

00:44:50

And so I worked at a church and I, you know,

00:44:52

I kind of told her, "Yeah, God says

00:44:54

that community is important.

00:44:55

And I know you kind of label yourself

00:44:57

an introvert or whatever, but maybe

00:44:59

that's spiritual immaturity

00:45:00

and you need to hang out with people the way I want to."

00:45:05

That didn't go very well. Yeah.

00:45:06

I feel like you guys know where the story is going.

00:45:08

Bad. It was awful.

00:45:11

Really it almost killed our marriage.

00:45:14

It was really bad to try to get each other to fit.

00:45:16

And she did these things to me.

00:45:17

Maybe you could fit me.

00:45:18

Maybe if you wanted to plan everything out,

00:45:20

sit down every single Sunday night

00:45:21

and go through hour by hour our entire week.

00:45:23

I was like, that sounds awful.

00:45:25

No, please don't do that.

00:45:27

Almost killed us trying to become

00:45:29

the perfect match for each other.

00:45:31

But I wonder about you, where you are in your marriage.

00:45:34

Are you placing your future hope

00:45:36

and the success of your marriage,

00:45:38

in becoming or being the perfect match to each other?

00:45:42

Maybe if she just changes a little bit.

00:45:44

She just wants to see friends as often as I do.

00:45:47

If he just wants to have sex as often as I do.

00:45:50

This is where we get to as couples.

00:45:52

And I'm telling you, if you're focused on that,

00:45:55

you're focused on the wrong match.

00:45:57

See, according to God,

00:45:58

there's a completely different match that

00:46:00

should be getting all of your attention.

00:46:02

Now, one of the best reasons to get married,

00:46:04

I think, goes under the radar.

00:46:05

We don't talk about it enough.

00:46:06

Best reasons to get married is you get a lot of free stuff.

00:46:09

Like, a lot of free stuff.

00:46:12

Some genius, I don't know when,

00:46:15

invented this thing called a gift registry

00:46:18

and it's awesome.

00:46:19

Now, guys, I got to tell you, I got to

00:46:21

just take it down one notch from there.

00:46:24

I thought when we got the gift registry.

00:46:25

Sarah's like, "This is great.

00:46:26

We're going to go register for all the things we need."

00:46:29

I was like, "Cool, I need a kegerator,

00:46:30

a pool table, maybe a hot tub, you know? Cool."

00:46:32

She's like, "No, not that.

00:46:34

It's like a vacuum cleaner, a blender

00:46:37

and a duvet cover."

00:46:38

I was like, "What's a duvet cover?"

00:46:41

I found out, if you don't know,

00:46:42

this duvet cover, it's a real thing.

00:46:44

It is a wrapper for a blanket.

00:46:45

It is completely unnecessary.

00:46:52

I just imagine there was, like, sales were down

00:46:56

at Blanket Co and so they had a brainstorm,

00:47:00

like, "How do we boost sales again guys?"

00:47:03

And Carl from accounting was, like,

00:47:04

"What if we sold the inside separate from the outside?

00:47:07

People would pay twice."

00:47:09

They're like, "That's not going to work.

00:47:11

Carl, you're an idiot.

00:47:12

Carl, why do you think -- that's just real dumb."

00:47:14

And then Lauren from marketing, Lauren's like,

00:47:16

"I got an idea. What if we name the outside,

00:47:18

that second part, something French sounding?

00:47:22

Americans, they'll buy anything

00:47:24

if it sounds like it's from France.

00:47:25

Duvet cover."

00:47:28

And it's worked and you're laughing,

00:47:30

but this is you, right?

00:47:31

You buy stuff that sounds like it's from France.

00:47:33

Anybody drink Lacroix? Lacroix. Lacroix.

00:47:38

You imagine when you're drinking this

00:47:40

that you're in Paris.

00:47:41

These French people, that's a French smile, by the way.

00:47:43

You can't tell, but that's what a smile is in France.

00:47:46

Having a great time in a Parisian cafe.

00:47:48

Let me bring you down gently.

00:47:50

Do you know where Lacroix is actually made?

00:47:54

Wisconsin.

00:47:56

Check the back of your can at home, I promise.

00:47:58

You're drinking old Milwaukee water.

00:48:02

That's what you're actually drinking.

00:48:06

So, you get gifts when you get married.

00:48:08

They're great. Again. Duvet covers.

00:48:10

I don't know, whatever. But you do get gifts.

00:48:12

Now, every married couple actually gets

00:48:15

a gift you did not register for,

00:48:17

but everyone gets it the moment you say I do,

00:48:20

and it's from God Himself.

00:48:22

What is it? It's a book of matches.

00:48:25

He gives you a book of matches.

00:48:26

See, every single day you have a choice with those matches.

00:48:31

If you're in a room right now, go ahead and take those out.

00:48:33

Those are in your pocket, in your seat.

00:48:35

You got them on your way in.

00:48:36

If you're watching online, go to your junk drawer.

00:48:38

There are matches there.

00:48:40

I promise every junk drawer spawns them.

00:48:45

Get them and just hold them in your hand.

00:48:46

It'd be great.

00:48:49

Every single day you have matches,

00:48:52

and these aren't normal matches where they run out.

00:48:55

See, you have one every day and every day

00:48:58

you will strike it, you will light it,

00:49:00

and you will set something on fire,

00:49:02

either yourself or your marriage.

00:49:06

It's your only choice.

00:49:08

The next day, you're going to wake up

00:49:10

and there's a brand new match in your matchbook.

00:49:12

One match, and you have the choice

00:49:13

over and over and over again.

00:49:16

See, popular wisdom says that a great marriage

00:49:18

comes from being a great match. It doesn't.

00:49:21

It comes from using the match

00:49:23

that God has given you to do what He calls you to,

00:49:26

which is to sacrifice yourself

00:49:28

for the sake of your spouse. That's it.

00:49:34

Some of you are like,

00:49:35

"That's not exactly what I expected.

00:49:37

I thought you were going to say love.

00:49:39

Like, isn't that what the Bible is about,

00:49:41

preacher boy? Love. God is love.

00:49:43

All this fire burning, very, you know, not.

00:49:46

It's like, well, I get it, but a little extreme, right?"

00:49:48

Well, let's talk about it for a second.

00:49:50

You know, the Bible does say that God is love,

00:49:52

and it does.

00:49:54

Its primary call is to love other people.

00:49:57

100%. Absolutely. 1 John 4:16 says God is love.

00:50:03

But do you know that the Bible also says

00:50:05

that God is fire? Deuteronomy 4:24:

00:50:13

And it turns out that these two concepts,

00:50:15

love and fire, are far more related

00:50:18

than you ever thought possible.

00:50:20

Fire shows up all over in the Bible, by the way.

00:50:22

It's a pillar of fire that guides

00:50:24

the Israelites through the desert at night.

00:50:25

God talks to Moses out of a burning bush,

00:50:28

a bush on fire.

00:50:29

John the Baptist says that Jesus one day

00:50:31

will baptize us with fire.

00:50:33

But the number one place that you see fire in

00:50:35

the Bible is in relation to the sacrificial system.

00:50:38

The sacrificial system, just to kind of nerd out

00:50:40

a little bit, just real quick, I promise,

00:50:42

real quick with you about

00:50:43

Old Testament sacrificial system.

00:50:45

There were five main sacrifices,

00:50:47

nuances and differences between them.

00:50:49

But the big idea was the same in all of them.

00:50:52

You would take something precious of your own,

00:50:55

usually an animal, you'd put it on a pile of wood,

00:50:59

and then you would set it on fire

00:51:01

and watch it burn as an act

00:51:04

of love and devotion to God.

00:51:06

That's the sacrificial system.

00:51:08

Now, maybe you've heard now that Jesus has come

00:51:11

the sacrificial system is no longer,

00:51:13

it has been done away with.

00:51:14

And I would say that's not exactly true.

00:51:16

What is true is that it has changed significantly.

00:51:19

See, when God sent Jesus, He sent Him

00:51:22

as a sacrifice in place of one of

00:51:24

the main sacrifices, the sin offering sacrifice.

00:51:29

He put himself on a Cross,

00:51:31

climbed up on a pile of wood,

00:51:32

and let Himself walk through the fires of death.

00:51:35

God radically changes it with Jesus.

00:51:37

Rather than be the God who says,

00:51:40

"I want you to sacrifice for me

00:51:42

to prove your devotion to me," God says,

00:51:44

"Actually, let me set you an example.

00:51:46

I'm going to sacrifice for you

00:51:47

to prove my devotion to you."

00:51:50

This is the sacrificial system,

00:51:52

setting yourself on fire and watching it burn.

00:51:56

Now, He didn't end the sacrificial system.

00:51:58

I would say He redefined the sacrificial system.

00:52:01

What's fascinating is in that move,

00:52:04

do you know that that act,

00:52:05

the act of Jesus giving Himself for us,

00:52:07

is now the definition of love.

00:52:10

It says this in 1 John 3:16:

00:52:14

In other words, this is how we know the definition.

00:52:23

See, love is sacrifice.

00:52:26

And sacrifice is quite literally

00:52:28

taking something precious of yours, your time;

00:52:31

taking something precious of yours,

00:52:33

your preference on your family calendar;

00:52:35


00:52:37

the job that tears you away from your family;

00:52:39


00:52:40

your bank account that's separate from hers;

00:52:42


00:52:44

your phone that you retreat to at night

00:52:46

instead of talking to her, or that drinking habit

00:52:48

that she's asked you to stop again and again;

00:52:50

taking something precious of yours

00:52:51

and putting it on the altar and lighting it on fire

00:52:54

for the sake of someone else.

00:52:56

That is what love is.

00:52:58

And if you want a happy, successful marriage,

00:53:00

that's what you have to do.

00:53:02

A popular wisdom again says, "That's not what love is.

00:53:05

Love is the feeling of happiness

00:53:07

that I have when I'm around you."

00:53:10

People talk about love fading, right?

00:53:12

"Well, our love just kind of faded away."

00:53:15

What do they mean by that?

00:53:16

Well, they mean that we used to be happy

00:53:18

when we were together, but the happiness faded,

00:53:21

and therefore love must have faded.

00:53:24

Why? Well, because happiness was the foundation

00:53:26

of that kind of love.

00:53:27

But that kind of love isn't what the Bible talks about.

00:53:30

1 Corinthians 13:8 says, love never fails.

00:53:35

If it doesn't fail, doesn't fade,

00:53:37

doesn't change, nothing can defeat it.

00:53:39

Happiness going away can't defeat it.

00:53:41

See, it's the opposite in God's love.

00:53:44

Happiness is a result of love in God's economy.

00:53:49

If you love somebody, sacrifice yourself

00:53:51

for your spouse every single day.

00:53:53

If you want a happy marriage, this is the only way:

00:53:57

you sacrifice for them again and again

00:53:59

and again and again.

00:54:00

And here's the key: Not when they deserve it.

00:54:05

Let me ask you a question.

00:54:06

When did Jesus sacrifice Himself for you?

00:54:11

Was it the day you deserved it?

00:54:13

Was it the best moment of your life?

00:54:16

Was it when you finally got it all together?

00:54:18

When you completed that Bible reading plan

00:54:20

you said you would?

00:54:21

When you had perfect church attendance or whatever,

00:54:23

you finally kicked that habit?

00:54:24

Is that when He died for you? No.

00:54:28

Romans 5:8 says: But God demonstrates

00:54:30

His own love for us in this

00:54:32

while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

00:54:38

And He says do the same.

00:54:39

1 John 3:16, Now we know what love is.

00:54:42

Jesus sacrificed Himself for us.

00:54:43

We ought to do it for our brothers and sisters.

00:54:46

This is love, exactly the moment they don't deserve it.

00:54:48

That means exactly in the moment

00:54:50

when your marriage is dry

00:54:51

and you're just ready to give up,

00:54:54

when there's nothing that he's done that

00:54:55

could possibly make you want to serve him

00:54:57

or care for him or show him any kind of affection.

00:54:59

When she doesn't listen to you, and so on.

00:55:01

You just have -- You're done with it.

00:55:03

You don't want to talk anymore.

00:55:04

That's the exact moment to sacrifice.

00:55:06

That's the perfect moment.

00:55:08

Love hasn't failed.

00:55:09

Love is finally getting its shot in that moment.

00:55:12

That's what God would say. You step into it.

00:55:15

The most powerful thing you can do

00:55:16

for your marriage is commit to it.

00:55:19

I got a tattoo. My first tattoo.

00:55:21

Only tattoo so far.

00:55:22

First tattoo, only tattoo a number of years ago.

00:55:24

This one. And by the way,

00:55:26

you might have seen Brian has a very similar tattoo

00:55:29

in a very similar spot.

00:55:30

Yes, we did get it in the same place on the same day.

00:55:33

His is slightly different and I got mine first.

00:55:35

It was my idea.

00:55:36

And he's not here to contradict that,

00:55:38

so let's just put this in the official record.

00:55:40

My idea.

00:55:43

We were in Jerusalem together

00:55:45

and at this tattoo shop, 700 years old.

00:55:49

The oldest tattoo shop in the entire world.

00:55:51

It's started by a family that began tattooing

00:55:54

Christian pilgrims in the Holy Land.

00:55:57

And back in those those days, 700 years ago,

00:55:59

being identified as a Christian could very easily

00:56:02

get you killed in many parts of the world.

00:56:04

But these people would come to Jerusalem

00:56:06

and they'd have this amazing experience

00:56:07

that would cement in their minds their faith

00:56:10

to the point where they were like,

00:56:11

"I could never deny this."

00:56:12

And they wanted a kind of a mark the moment memento

00:56:15

of this in their life, a way to to to cement it.

00:56:18

And so they started tattooing signs of the cross

00:56:21

on their forearms, the place that

00:56:24

was really hard to cover up.

00:56:25

That way, if they went home

00:56:27

and someone discovered they were a Christian

00:56:28

and it cost them their life, they were going,

00:56:30

"It's fine with me because I'm in no matter what.

00:56:32

I'm in, no matter what it costs me."

00:56:34

And so I got this tattoo, because in an age where

00:56:36

many people my age are de-converting, I'm not.

00:56:40

I'm convinced that Jesus is who He said He is.

00:56:42

And so I got this tattoo as a way to follow

00:56:45

in the footsteps of the ancients, of saying,

00:56:46

"I'm in to follow Jesus no matter what it costs me,

00:56:50

even including my entire life."

00:56:53

Now, it was an easy decision, because

00:56:55

this is not the first time I have a symbol

00:56:57

that represents that on my body.

00:57:00

Inside my wedding ring I've been wearing now

00:57:02

for almost 18 years is -- there are two words.

00:57:05

There's "love" "beautiful."

00:57:07

Now, those are our nicknames for each other.

00:57:09

For the record, I'm love, not beautiful.

00:57:11

And she's beautiful. Just very cute, I know.

00:57:15

But they're also what I see as my orders in my marriage.

00:57:19

And they're in that order because they are my orders.

00:57:22

Love, meaning, sacrifice myself for Sarah,

00:57:25

for beautiful every day I've worn them on my body.

00:57:29

See, I was fortunate enough to have somebody

00:57:31

in our premarital counseling who said,

00:57:33

"Kyle, if you want a healthy marriage,

00:57:35

you have to learn to die.

00:57:37

You have to learn to give yourself up."

00:57:40

And I've been trying.

00:57:41

Like I said, I haven't been perfect on this.

00:57:43

There are so many times I failed.

00:57:44

I'm sure there's ways I'm failing right now.

00:57:46

I'm sure I'll fail tomorrow.

00:57:47

But the goal I have, the objective I have,

00:57:49

the thing on the horizon I'm aiming for

00:57:51

is that God-centered marriage, the kind that

00:57:54

loves always, always, always, no matter what.

00:57:58

In fact, the most powerful thing you can do

00:58:00

is commit to your marriage.

00:58:02

That's the absolute most powerful thing.

00:58:03

Now, the Bible does say that all over the place,

00:58:06

but I've given you lots of Bible and lots of God stuff.

00:58:08

And so I know there's some people in here

00:58:10

who were all in on the Bible, and we agree with it.

00:58:12

There's other of us who are just checking stuff out.

00:58:14

If that's you, super glad you're with us.

00:58:16

Hope you're getting a different

00:58:17

and fresh perspective on what love is

00:58:19

and what marriage is is pushing you,

00:58:21

hopefully in helpful ways.

00:58:22

But I want to go to a different source

00:58:24

to make this point for you:

00:58:26

an article from Forbes in fact.

00:58:28

They recently put out this thing on May 30th.

00:58:30

It was kind of their 2024 report

00:58:32

on divorce and statistics,

00:58:34

and I found this one fascinating. Forbes says:

00:58:53

Some of you are in here

00:58:54

and you are not engaged, you're not married.

00:58:58

Maybe you've been dating

00:58:59

and you're scared of commitment.

00:59:01

You haven't made the commitment.

00:59:02

I just want to point out to you that

00:59:04

the thing that you're scared of is the one thing

00:59:07

that's most likely to guarantee you

00:59:09

a happy, fulfilled marriage.

00:59:13

More and more people, unfortunately, are scared of it.

00:59:15

Cohabitation is on the rise.

00:59:17

I mean, if you looked at the stats recently,

00:59:18

divorce is actually going down in America

00:59:22

and that looks good if you just look at that stat.

00:59:24

However, marriage is going down faster, bad.

00:59:27

More and more people are trying to thing

00:59:28

of cohabitation and it makes some sense,

00:59:30

some logical sense.

00:59:31

"Maybe we try this out, see if it's for us,

00:59:34

and that would make us more able to succeed

00:59:37

when we're married, right?"

00:59:38

No, actually, you can go back to the 1970s.

00:59:42

Every study that's ever looked at this

00:59:44

has the same exact conclusion.

00:59:45

If your goal is to jeopardize your future marriage,

00:59:50

the best way to jeopardize it,

00:59:52

to ensure that it fails

00:59:53

is to live together before you're married.

00:59:55

That same Forbes study says that

00:59:57

the couples who live together

00:59:59

are 50% more likely to get divorced

01:00:02

than couples who don't. Why?

01:00:04

Well, because commitment is the key.

01:00:08

And intimacy without commitment

01:00:11

kills relationships.

01:00:13

It's destined to kill relationships.

01:00:16

Love is the commitment to sacrifice,

01:00:18

big and small, day after day,

01:00:20

week after week, month after month,

01:00:21

year after year, big and small.

01:00:24

One of the small ways I've sacrificed

01:00:26

for Sarah over the years is

01:00:28

on the weekends with her running.

01:00:30

It was probably 13 years ago

01:00:31

when our first kid came along

01:00:33

and she was trying to get back into shape.

01:00:35

And she got back into running.

01:00:36

She'd done track in high school and she loved it.

01:00:38

And so she got back into running.

01:00:40

And at first it was like, no big deal, right?

01:00:42

She ran a couple of miles.

01:00:43

It took 30 minutes, no big deal.

01:00:45

Well, then she wanted to run a 10k.

01:00:47

And then a 10k became a half marathon.

01:00:49

And then a half marathon became a marathon.

01:00:51

That's when I learned marathon training is long,

01:00:54

like long, you go run 20 miles

01:00:57

on a Saturday morning, you're gone like the whole day.

01:01:01

And we had little kids.

01:01:03

I didn't want to wake up and take care of my little kids.

01:01:05

Why would I want to do that? By myself? No, thanks.

01:01:07

On a Saturday? It's my day off.

01:01:10

But I noticed something for her,

01:01:12

that running was more than physical exercise.

01:01:14

It was a mental boost to her. It was a spiritual boost to her.

01:01:17

There was something critical in importance.

01:01:20

So for 13 years I have been the one

01:01:22

who does Saturdays with the kids.

01:01:25

I wake up, I make pancakes

01:01:27

almost every single Saturday for 13 straight years.

01:01:30

I make pancakes, the best ones you've ever had,

01:01:32

by the way, amazing, from scratch.

01:01:34

And then I cleaned it all up.

01:01:36

Oftentimes that means lunch too, clean it all up.

01:01:39

And I know that's small.

01:01:40

You're like, really? Is that a big deal?

01:01:42

But sometimes those small sacrifices,

01:01:44

those are the most meaningful ones.

01:01:47

You know, I think every husband in the world

01:01:48

has this mentality in him of like,

01:01:51

"Man, I would take a bullet for my wife."

01:01:53

Awesome. Would you take out the trash, though?

01:01:56

Would you do that? Did you empty the dishwasher?

01:01:58

Would you do that?

01:02:00

Sarah once told me that the most loving thing

01:02:03

I've ever done for her, the way that

01:02:04

she most feels loved, is when I get her water cup.

01:02:08

I notice it's empty and I fill it without asking

01:02:10

and bring it back to her.

01:02:11

Seriously. Small things can matter.

01:02:16

The big ones are important too.

01:02:18

About five years ago in our marriage,

01:02:19

we were in a beautiful house.

01:02:21

I would say it was our dream house.

01:02:22

Big, beautiful old home that was renovated.

01:02:25

We had bought it from my parents

01:02:26

at a really steep family discount,

01:02:28

otherwise we couldn't have afforded it.

01:02:30

It was beautiful. Everything was done.

01:02:32

Everything was renovated. It was perfect.

01:02:34

It was in a perfect neighborhood for running,

01:02:36

beautiful, but I had grown up

01:02:38

out in the country with land to explore

01:02:41

and kind of roam around, and I just loved it.

01:02:44

It was an experience I wanted for the kids.

01:02:46

And so I came to her and I said,

01:02:47

"Hey, I know you love this house,

01:02:50

but what if we sold it?"

01:02:52

We went and we looked

01:02:53

and houses on land are more expensive.

01:02:55

And so to get more land,

01:02:57

we had to get way less house

01:02:58

and one that needed a whole lot of work.

01:03:01

And we went, we found this house

01:03:02

that needed everything. Needed everything.

01:03:05

And she decided, "Yes, I'm in."

01:03:07

Sold that house.

01:03:09

We've been living in the new one for five years,

01:03:11

still under construction, still not quite done.

01:03:13

And I know that drives her nuts.

01:03:15

I know what she gave up.

01:03:16

I know it's painful for her.

01:03:17

And I also know she would do it again

01:03:20

because she gets it, because she is in.

01:03:24

See, a transcendent marriage,

01:03:25

it'll cost you everything.

01:03:27

But again, man, don't ask what it costs.

01:03:29

Ask what it's worth.

01:03:31

I'm here to tell you my life it's worth more

01:03:34

than everything I could possibly give up.

01:03:36

Because of my marriage, I am stronger,

01:03:38

I am more confident.

01:03:39

I have a place where there's no secrets,

01:03:41

where I know that I'm safe.

01:03:42

She makes me better in so many ways.

01:03:44

She made this message better.

01:03:46

Every message that I give, I run by her.

01:03:48

"Hey, well, does this make any sense?"

01:03:50

She was like, "No, you should say it this way."

01:03:52

"That's way better." Everything.

01:03:54

A marriage will make you better.

01:03:59

If your marriage is in a desert

01:04:01

and you've been thinking the thing you need to do

01:04:03

is to sit down and relax.

01:04:05

No. Light a fire.

01:04:08

You want the spark back in your marriage?

01:04:10

Light a fire.

01:04:12

You want to have things reignited

01:04:14

in a positive way in your marriage?

01:04:16

Go home and do that thing that you know

01:04:18

that he wants you to do, or she wants you to do,

01:04:20

or stop doing the thing that they don't want you to do.

01:04:22

I promise it'll make a difference.

01:04:24

And you know what it is. You know what it is.

01:04:27

You know that thing you've refused to give up

01:04:29

that would mean the world.

01:04:30

Maybe it's big, maybe it's small.

01:04:32

Go home and do it, and you'll find a marriage

01:04:35

that has some life in it, that has some spark in it.

01:04:39

But you got to light that match, man.

01:04:41

You got to light that match.

01:04:43

Maybe you're somebody who walked in here

01:04:45

and that Devil's Bridge got you, and you're like,

01:04:47

"Man, I'm on the Devil's Bridge."

01:04:48

If so, burn it down. Burn it down.

01:04:50

It's not too late. Are you on it?

01:04:52

Burn it down. Get rid of it.

01:04:54

Get rid of whatever it is

01:04:55

that's forcing you to walk away.

01:04:56

Maybe it's that relationship with that person

01:04:58

at work that is kind of flirting with the line,

01:05:00

or maybe it's even crossed line.

01:05:01

Give that up. Burn the bridge down.

01:05:03

Commit to staying in your marriage.

01:05:07

Maybe for you it's the scorecard you need to burn.

01:05:10

You guys know the scorecard, right?

01:05:11

Scorecard of how many times have I done the dishes

01:05:14

versus how many times have you done the dishes?

01:05:16

Scorecard of I cook dinner so you got to clean dinner.

01:05:19

Scorecard, how much money did I get to spend

01:05:21

on frivolous stuff for myself versus how much

01:05:23

did you get to spend on stuff for yourself?

01:05:25

How much time did I get with my friends?

01:05:26

How much time did you get with your friends?

01:05:28

That's the scorecard.

01:05:29

I found that every single couple

01:05:31

starts with a scorecard,

01:05:33

but every single happy couple burns theirs at some point.

01:05:36

You can either keep score in your marriage

01:05:38

or you can keep your marriage.

01:05:39

You can't do both.

01:05:40

You might have a scorecard you need to burn,

01:05:42

but whatever it is, I'm telling you, burn it.

01:05:45

If it's a relaxing Saturday, burn it.

01:05:48

If it's drinks on the couch,

01:05:50

do you zone out at night

01:05:51

and you pay no attention to her? Burn it.

01:05:53

If it's the phone you run away to, burn it.

01:05:55

If it's the job that pulls you out of the house

01:05:57

too often, burn it.

01:05:59

Whatever it is, burn it to the ground.

01:06:01

You're holding a match. How will you use it?

01:09:40

- You want to know a secret?

01:09:41

Do you know that fire is the best seasoning?

01:09:44

It is.

01:09:45

There's a verse I found this year

01:09:47

that's meant more to me than any other.

01:09:49

Found it in January.

01:09:50

Been burning in my mind again and again and again.

01:09:52

It's Mark 9:49.

01:09:53

It's a promise from the words of Jesus. It says:

01:10:00

Everyone.

01:10:02

You will walk through hot, uncomfortable

01:10:05

and difficult times, but the promise of Jesus

01:10:08

is that the flames won't consume you.

01:10:10

They will season you.

01:10:12

They'll give you the seasoning of contentment,

01:10:14

the seasoning and the flavor of joy,

01:10:17

the flavor of safety and security

01:10:20

that they will if you walk through them,

01:10:23

if you choose to light the match.

01:10:26

What might that look for you this week?

01:10:29

It might be for you you've got the matches

01:10:31

in your hand, if the scorecard hit you,

01:10:34

my encouragement to you be go home,

01:10:36

write out the scorecard you've been keeping.

01:10:38

Bring it to your spouse and set it on fire.

01:10:41

Maybe it's the bridge for you.

01:10:42

Maybe it's the bridge you've been walking away from.

01:10:44

If that's true, set it on fire.

01:10:48

If you do, you'll become one of those couples

01:10:51

that everyone talks about. The happy ones.

01:10:53

Let me pray for you.

01:10:54

God, thank You so much for Your wisdom.

01:10:56

Thank You so much for Your truth

01:10:58

that's unlike the world's truth.

01:11:00

I ask that You would help us have the courage

01:11:02

and the boldness to follow You,

01:11:04

no matter what it costs us. Amen.

01:11:08

- So, I want you to sit in this moment

01:11:10

for just a minute, because whether or not

01:11:12

you're married, we want you to take away

01:11:14

that this is about sacrifice.

01:11:16

We can choose ourselves

01:11:18

or we can choose to give ourselves away.

01:11:20

One leads to loss and loneliness,

01:11:22

and the other leads to a lifetime of

01:11:24

the kind of love that marriage is meant to be.

01:11:26

- Yeah, the absolute best, best, best

01:11:29

marriage advice that we ever got was just simply,

01:11:31

it sounds a little funny, but it was eat the burnt toast.

01:11:34

We've all had that toaster that, like,

01:11:35

makes one piece of bread crispy golden brown

01:11:38

perfection and the other just charcoal.

01:11:40

Man, this is an opportunity for us to sacrifice.

01:11:43

Like Kyle has been talking marriage

01:11:45

and any relationship requires us

01:11:47

to just acknowledge sacrifice is key

01:11:50

if we don't just want to see

01:11:51

the whole relationship burn to the ground.

01:11:54

And if we want to see love and growth

01:11:57

and build a relationship that lasts.

01:11:59

- And if you're struggling in your marriage

01:12:01

or your singleness or in really any aspect of your life,

01:12:04

our team would genuinely love to connect with you,

01:12:07

pray for you, know you, help you walk through it.

01:12:09

You can email either of us directly:

01:12:11

Rachel.Reider@crossroads.net or Andy.Reider@crossroads.net,

01:12:14

or head to Crossroads.net/anywhere

01:12:16

to chat with one of us on the Anywhere team.

01:12:18

We would love to hear from you

01:12:20

and actually connect in real life.

01:12:21

- Yeah, it's seriously the best part of our job

01:12:24

and we love hearing what you need prayer for

01:12:26

and praying for you.

01:12:27

And we love hearing the life change

01:12:29

that's happening in your life,

01:12:31

in your neighborhood, in your communities.

01:12:33

We've recently just heard from couples

01:12:35

in the marriage cohort that we're leading,

01:12:36

man, who are seeing their relationship restored

01:12:39

like fresh life.

01:12:41

We've got people in our singles cohort

01:12:43

who are shaking off old baggage

01:12:44

from past relationships or hurt like once and for all.

01:12:48

And people in our monthly prayer that are

01:12:50

experiencing physical healings, like, legit miracles.

01:12:53

This is all stuff that you can be a part of

01:12:55

no matter where you live.

01:12:57

- Yeah, and lastly, we'd love to see you

01:12:59

this year at our Crossroads Anywhere Weekend.

01:13:02

It is a chance for everyone

01:13:03

who doesn't live near a physical site

01:13:05

to get to Cincinnati for live

01:13:06

worship, new friends, and honestly,

01:13:08

it's just going to be a lot of fun this year.

01:13:10

Our goal is simply to fill you up. That's it.

01:13:12

We're not asking anything from you.

01:13:14

We are just planning everything we can

01:13:15

to help you detox from the stress and exhaustion

01:13:18

and natural effects of daily life,

01:13:20

simply leave filled up and more connected.

01:13:22

So this is the weekend you do not want to miss,

01:13:24

so we will lower any barrier we can to make it happen.

01:13:27

If you can get here,

01:13:28

the whole rest of the weekend is on us:

01:13:30

all food, experiences,

01:13:31

and even a place to stay if you need it.

01:13:33

So you still have a chance to sign up

01:13:35

and check out all the details at

01:13:36

Crossroads.net/anywhereweekend.

01:13:38

- Hey, thanks for joining.

01:13:39

We'll see you back next week.

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