How to Process Emotions With Others | Mindset Week 2

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You were made to be brave.

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You were born to make a difference.

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God designed you for heart pumping, joy filled adventure.

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And we're here to guide you to that adventurous life.

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Crossroads Church.

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Thanks for being with us today.

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My name is Kyle.

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I'm one of the teaching pastors at Crossroads.

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Let me say right out of the gate, Happy Mother's Day, moms.

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We are so thankful for you.

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For those of us with moms to celebrate today, by the way,

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let's make sure that today isn't just different for our moms,

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let's make sure it's special too.

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Find a way to make today special

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and say thank you to the moms in your life.

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You're joining us in the middle of a series.

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We're talking about Mindset,

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how to deal with the thoughts and emotions that bombard us.

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To kick us off, some friends of mine wrote a song

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with some amazing advice about

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how to deal with those thoughts and emotions.

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- Hey. Oh. Further?

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- Yeah.

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- Good?

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- Are you ready to do this?

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- Let's do it.

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- When you have a bad day keep it to yourself

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The heart was made to stay up on a shelf

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Keep it in, keep it in,

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uh huh - Absolutely.

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Don’t be tempted to rely on another’s strength

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Friends are better kept at a long arm’s length

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Keep it in, keep it in. - Uh huh, that's right.

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Keep it in, keep it in, keep it in

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Emotional repression is your friend

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Tamp it down, keep it low

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Like a ticking time bomb about to blow

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I'm really glad we're giving people this adivice.

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- Keep it in, Mae. - OK.

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- Keep it in.

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When you’re crying about your dog in your dentist chair

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Remember the hygienist doesn’t really care

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Don’t be weird. TMI. Keep it in. - Yeah.

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- When you’ve had a bad date, or three, or four

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Maybe don’t go on about your rash anymore

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Ew. - That's so gross and there's a cream for that.

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- Ew. - Keep it in.

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Emotional repression is your friend

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Tamp it down, keep it low

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Like a ticking time bomb about to blow, Oh oh oh,

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Until you blow up when you’re standing in the grocery line

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- You blow up, step on a lego for the millionth time

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You blow up, when they make your latte way too hot

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- You blow up when it’s your birthday and your friends forgot

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Blow up.

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And then there's a global pandemic. - You blow up.

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School's cancelled. - You blow up.

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- They expect you to teach your 8 year old math? - You blow up.

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I'm terrible at math! - You blow up.

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- I've always been terrible at math!

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You're fine. You're fine.

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You're fine, keep it in.

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- So your life didn’t turn out how you wanted

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Everybody loves the emotionally stunted

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Keep it in, keep it in, mmm hmmm

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Everything's going to be OK!

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Keep it in. Keep it in.

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Keep it in.

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- The girl with the guitar, we think she's OK,

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but we got to check on her right after this.

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It was amazing.

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Last week, Brian got us started in this series.

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We talked about how our emotions are like fire,

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fire that can consume us or, if harnessed,

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can be used to propel our lives forward.

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Chuck today is going to talk about a tool, a powerful tool

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to help us harness our thoughts and emotions.

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No, it's not what you think.

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- Thanks for joining us today.

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I'm Chuck Mingo and we're talking about

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how our mindset can transform our lives.

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Anne Lamott put it this way.

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She said, "My mind is a dangerous neighborhood

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and my friends don't let me go there alone."

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Just the other day in my house, my kids were losing their mind.

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I've got three kids and they were

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all having temper tantrums on the same day.

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And I in that moment as a parent, I'm like,

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"What am I doing wrong here?

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Do I need discipline? What do I do?"

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And I had to just stop and remember my kids,

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their whole world has been transformed upside down.

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Maybe all they needed in this moment is a hug and a donut.

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So sure enough, just a couple of days later,

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I had my own adult version of a temper tantrum,

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which is a lot like my kid's version, by the way,

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in front of my family.

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And I had to stop in that moment and say, "You know what?

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Maybe all I need is a donut and a hug too."

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I mean, here's the deal. Emotions are powerful.

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They're a powerful part of who we are,

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but we are woefully undertrained in how to think through them,

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how to process them, how to deal with them.

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But the good news is God wants to train us to renew our minds.

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I love coming to the ballpark.

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I mean, think about it, a stadium like this, a ballpark

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should not be empty.

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There should be people in these seats.

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There should be teams playing right now.

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I think one of the things we're grieving is

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that we can't engage in our national pastime this spring,

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at least not in the way that we want to and at least not yet.

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There's just something sad and haunting, though,

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about being in an empty baseball field.

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I just -- it's not the way it's supposed to be.

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Why? Because we're not wired for isolation.

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Let's be honest, some of us were living this way

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before the quarantine.

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We don't let people in,

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or at least we don't let them get very close.

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And yet, research ties social isolation and loneliness

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to being at higher risk of things like heart disease,

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Alzheimer's disease, anxiety, depression, even death.

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A baseball field without people just isn't right.

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Neither is a life without people.

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So let me ask you a question.

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Are you someone who likes to figure stuff out on your own

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or do you like to ask for help?

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What if I told you only one of those answers

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demonstrates that you're smart?

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Forbes Magazine did an article some years ago

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where they talked about how smart people make decisions.

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One of the key factors: they seek outside counsel.

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Forbes put it this way:

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You know that wisdom from that Forbes article,

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it's the same wisdom that we see in the Bible

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in places like Proverbs 12:15 where it says:

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That verse is saying this:

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If you think you can figure life out on your own,

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the Bible would say, "My friend, you are a fool."

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But if you want to have a life that thrives,

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if you want to have a mindset that thrives,

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you need to choose wise counsel.

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We're not meant to do life alone.

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Your friends determine the quality

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and the direction of your life.

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The research is saying that the quarantine

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has caused the rise in all kinds of addiction.

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And one leader in AA put it really well in terms of why

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he said isolation is one of the original problems

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of the addict.

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I know that because that was my problem.

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Ten years ago, I walked into a room

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to overcome a pornography addiction

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that was ravaging my life and my relationships.

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If you know anything about the 12 step process,

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step two says we came to believe that a higher power

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could restore us to sanity.

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I was living a life that was insane.

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And I quickly learned that my problem was

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I didn't know how to deal with my emotions.

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And even more than that,

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I never shared those emotions with anyone else.

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And it was in a room of radically honest men

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that I came to have my sanity restored.

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I learned how to be a friend.

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I learned how to share.

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I learned how to be vulnerable.

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I learned how to process and feel the pain

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and the challenges that life was bringing to me.

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It changed my life.

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And here's what I know is true: you need that.

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This idea about needing people in your life who you trust,

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who you can process life with,

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this is not a nice to have.

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You need this for life to work.

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We all need it for our lives to work.

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Your friends determine the quality

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and direction of your life.

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And so I just ask you this: Take a look at your life.

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Now take a look at your friends, or lack thereof.

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If you want to go in a different direction,

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how about starting by inviting a board of directors

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into your life that get to speak to your emotions

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and get to help you make good decisions.

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That might be the smartest decision you ever make.

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- That's some great advice from Chuck:

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find friends who will challenge you

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and push you to better places.

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You know, it took me a while to find friends like that,

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to find the right balance of people

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who I would trust to challenge me.

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A key for me was when I realized that challenge

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from my friends would be uncomfortable.

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That sometimes the right friends were

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the friends who are willing to frustrate me.

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- If your friends don't frustrates you every now and then,

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you need better friends.

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This scene was filmed a few weeks ago

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before the terrible tragedy that occurred

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when Ahmaud Arbery was killed

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while running through his neighborhood in a city in Georgia.

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I hurt for the pain that his family is experiencing.

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And I hurt for the pain of racial injustice

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that continues to plague our country.

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And so if you're in a place where you're hurt

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about the situation and you want a place to process it,

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you can reach out to us at Crossroads.net/talk.

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Quick inventory: When's the last time

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a friend challenged you really hard to grow?

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I mean, maybe beyond what you were even comfortable with?

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That happens for me three times a week

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when I run with my friend Chris.

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Chris is the kind of friend everybody should have,

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but he's the kind of friend

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that should come with a warning label warning.

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Warning: He will encourage you often

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and challenge you hard.

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It all started when I told Chris I wanted to run

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the fastest half marathon I ever had.

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Next thing I know, he's got a training plan,

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an eating plan and he even change his schedule

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around to make all the training runs work for him and I.

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The guy just plane makes me better.

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You know what?

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If it wasn't for the coronavirus,

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I would've ran my fastest half marathon by 40 minutes.

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No worries though, we're still training.

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If that race happens in the fall, I'll be ready.

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Life is like that.

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Why was I was able to make that progress?

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Because we trained, but I didn't train alone.

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You can't win if you try to win at life alone.

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We only win when we surround ourselves with good counsel.

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Ecclesiastes 4:12 says this:

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What that verse says is to win in life

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you have to win in relationships.

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The problem is we are woefully undertrained

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in how did do relationships well.

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Think about what happens if you don't train for a marathon.

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You hit the wall and you fail. That's what happens.

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The same is true in relationships.

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We have to train.

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We have to train in skills like giving

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and receiving feedback.

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Receiving that feedback and growing from it.

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Helping our friends move beyond their comfort zone,

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handling conflict well.

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If we don't train, we can't win in relationships.

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To win at life you have to win in relationships.

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And something powerful happens

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when you invite God into that mix.

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That's what that three-fold cord is talking about:

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You, your friends and God together is a powerful combination.

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One of the ways that Chris and I brought that

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into our friendship is just by committing to

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a 10 minute prayer time with each other every week

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where I would share three things I wanted pray for

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and he would share three things he wanted prayer for.

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And man, I tell you what, those ten minutes

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took our relationship to a new level,

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took our spiritual life to a new level,

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took our lives to a new level.

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Three-fold cord with God in the mix, you can't lose.

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To win in life, you have to win in relationships.

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- How do you win at relationships?

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That can be a frustrating and challenging idea.

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If that's how you feel, we would love to talk with you.

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You can go to Crossroads.net/talk to find out more.

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You know, everything we do at Crossroads is funded

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by the generosity of normal, average, everyday people

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who have stepped into the spiritual discipline

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called tithing, giving 10% of your gross income

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to your local church.

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Now, when that happens,

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God will unlock powerful things in your life.

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That's my story and the story of thousands of other people.

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If you want to know more about that,

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you can go to Crossroads.net/give.

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Recently, our West Side community found

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an amazing way to invest in relationships even right now.

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They wrote notes of encouragement to hospital patients

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who are unable to have visitors right now.

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What happened was powerful. Check this out.

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- The point of our meeting today is to pray over

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these patient care cards that we've signed

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from Crossroads West Side.

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And it tells a pretty cool tale

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that we aren't sitting idly by

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and we're actually trying to help wherever we can.

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We're going to pray for these cards.

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So God, we pray for these cards right now.

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We pray for every patient that's going to have

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one in their hands that you would heal them,

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that you would comfort them,

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that you would draw your spirit close to them

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so they know they are not alone.

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- May they feel the presence of your Holy Spirit

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to comfort them.

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- God, I ask you how you fill the patients

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that are going to receive these with hope.

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- Lord, we collectively know that this

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is what being the church is all about.

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- From all of us at Crossroads West Side,

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you are not alone in this.

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The church has always been about people.

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We want to be the church for you during this time.

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We are praying for quick and full healing for you,

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that you would find hope, peace, strength,

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and comfort through God's presence.

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- So good council,

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friendship with people who trust and follow Jesus

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is a big way that our mindsets get transformed by God.

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It's a way that we experience relationship with God.

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Well, let me be clear: God is not your imaginary friend.

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Did you have an imaginary friend growing up as a kid?

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I did. His name is Petey.

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What's up, Petey?

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Actually, do you know why kids have an imaginary friend?

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It's a way for them to have control over their world.

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But relationship with God is actually the opposite.

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It's about surrendering control.

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And in fact, relationship with the people of God.

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When we're in community, it's about giving up control.

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It's about letting other people influence our mindset.

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It's about letting them influence how we process our emotions,

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how we deal with decisions.

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Here's another way

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that Jesus is not like your imaginary friend.

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Your imaginary friend has never kept a promise to you.

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But Jesus makes a specific promise when

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we lean into relationships with people who follow Him.

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In John 14:18, Jesus makes a promise to you.

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He says, I will not leave you as orphans.

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I will come to you.

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How does Jesus come to you?

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One of the ways is He comes to us when we prioritize

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relationship with people who are following Him.

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This is one of the places

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where Jesus keeps that promise for me.

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I have a group of men who around this fire

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have really encouraged me, challenged me.

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They've helped me experience Jesus's presence

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in a very real way in my life.

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I can think of one time when our group was meeting

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and I was really struggling with the area of calling,

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quite frankly, for me that I was just being passive around.

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And it was in this group of men where I experienced

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the presence of Jesus.

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There's no magic in these chairs.

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There's no magic in this fire.

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It's those guys, those guys who are listening to God

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and who are willing to challenge my mindset of fear

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and call me to courage.

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They're willing to challenge my mindset of passivity

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and call me to be proactive.

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And as they do that in my life and I follow that council,

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I experienced transformation

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in that particular area of my life.

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The conversation we had that night.

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I've seen tremendous progress.

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I have been moving

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and I've been experiencing the presence of God as I do.

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Jesus came to me and He comes to me in this community.

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Another way, though, that Jesus keeps His promise

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is He promises to give you His Holy Spirit.

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If you say yes to following Jesus

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and you're in relationship with Him,

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the very presence of God, His very Spirit

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actually takes up residence in your life

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and begins to give you comfort and counsel.

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In John 14:26, just a few versus later,

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we find out that Jesus says the promise I'm keeping

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is to give you my Holy Spirit, who He calls

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the counselor or the comforter or the helper.

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This helper, this comfort that we're offered

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through Jesus, it's real.

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And so maybe your mindset right now is one of anxiety.

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I want you to know Jesus can enter your life

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and give you the counsel you need

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to move from anxiety to peace.

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Maybe right now you're struggling

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and you're uncomfortable and there are fears in the way

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or maybe there's depression in the way.

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I want you to know Jesus wants to be a counselor

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in your life, to move you from depression to hope.

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He wants to come to you.

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And one of the ways He does that is

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when you prioritize being with people

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who are running in His direction as well.

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It's kind of bittersweet being here because

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I miss my guys.

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I miss the presence of men in my life

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who actually are Jesus to me in a lot of ways.

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You know, we're doing Zoom.

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It's better than nothing,

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but it's just not the same.

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And I don't know, maybe that's how you feel

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about relationships in your life.

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If you take stock, you just recognize

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I've got a level of relationship,

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but it's not as deep as I want it to be.

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I'm certainly not in a place, you might say,

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where I'm experiencing the presence of Jesus

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in my friendships.

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Hey, can I tell you, there's good news for you.

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There's hope for you because Jesus is not done with you.

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And maybe the very reason you're watching right now,

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maybe the very reason you're engaging right now

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is because He's inviting you into more.

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He's inviting you into more intentionality

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around relationships in your life.

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He's inviting you into more intentionality

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around how you bring your mindset to Him

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in community with other people who can help you

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deal with your emotions, the pain, the shame,

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the fear, the guilt.

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People who can help your mindset be one

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that enables you to love well,

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that enables you to lead well,

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that enables you to overcome an obstacle in your life.

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So I want to invite you to respond to Jesus's invitation.

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If you've never said yes to following Him,

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that's the first response to make,

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to know that Jesus Himself wants relationship with you.

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He wants unity with you.

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He actually came and died to make it clear that

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there is no price He wasn't willing to pay

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to bridge the gap between you and Him.

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You can receive Him.

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You can say yes to following Him.

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And I want to encourage you to take a step in that direction.

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Two things to think about.

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One is, what would it look like for you

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to prioritize even in this time of quarantine

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relationship with people who are following Jesus?

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One of the ways we do that at Crossroads is

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we invite people to be in groups,

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like the group that I'm in.

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Be in groups with other people

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who are going the direction of Jesus.

00:21:29

If you're not in a group, can I encourage you to try it?

00:21:33

Can I encourage you to step forward

00:21:35

and get a relationship with other people?

00:21:37

There are groups we have where you just process

00:21:39

what you're hearing through messages like this.

00:21:41

It's a great way to kind of dip your toe into community.

00:21:45

And you can act on what you see on your screen

00:21:48

right now if you want to step in that direction.

00:21:51

But I think some of us, we need the Comforter right now.

00:21:55

Maybe there's been job loss in your family.

00:21:57

Maybe there's been actual life lost in your family.

00:22:00

Maybe you're struggling with something

00:22:02

that you can't get over.

00:22:04

I want to invite you into an opportunity

00:22:07

to have someone listen to you and pray for you.

00:22:11

And know this, when they're listening to you,

00:22:12

they're not only listening to you,

00:22:14

but they're listening for the voice of the Comforter,

00:22:15

for the voice of the Counselor to see if there's

00:22:17

anything that God might want to say to you

00:22:19

through another person.

00:22:20

Yes, I believe God speaks to us through other people.

00:22:24

So I want to invite you to do that.

00:22:27

Take the action on the screen right now,

00:22:29

step into something that might feel new, uncertain,

00:22:34

but could be really profound and could be a way

00:22:38

that the Counselor, that Jesus Himself comes to you.

00:22:44

Let me pray for us right now.

00:22:46

God, I want to ask that for all of us,

00:22:49

we would see the ways that You're inviting us

00:22:52

to press in to good council.

00:22:56

All of us, God, I believe are not wired to be alone.

00:23:00

And thankfully with You, we don't have to be alone.

00:23:02

So whether it's pressing in for friendships

00:23:04

and relationships with people

00:23:05

or whether it's pressing in to hearing Your voice,

00:23:08

maybe for the first time, God,

00:23:10

give us the courage to take the next step.

00:23:13

In Jesus's name. Amen.

00:23:21

This song is a reminder that we are never alone.

00:23:24

Jesus is the author of our freedom

00:23:26

and has already conquered our fears of being vulnerable

00:23:28

or finding the right people to be in our lives with us.

00:23:31

This is a moment to turn those fears over to our God

00:23:34

and be reminded that He is who He says He is.

00:29:04

- You know, one of the reasons we sing songs

00:29:06

is because it helps us to articulate

00:29:08

things that we're experiencing,

00:29:10

things that we're feeling,

00:29:11

things that we're desiring.

00:29:13

Another reason we sing songs is to root ourselves

00:29:15

in the story we find in Scripture.

00:29:18

And so when we can, we like to write songs

00:29:20

that remind us of who God is, of what He's done,

00:29:24

and what the implications are for us.

00:29:26

And those things lead to us responding to Him in worship.

00:29:30

So when we sing songs about

00:29:31

Jesus being the King of the Kingdom,

00:29:34

Jesus being the author of our freedom,

00:29:36

every day we wake to an empty grave.

00:29:39

We're reminding ourselves that

00:29:41

the battle has already been won.

00:29:42

Regardless of what we're experiencing right now,

00:29:46

that Jesus has said, "You don't have to worry.

00:29:48

You're citizens of My Kingdom."

00:29:50

And so that's the position we take when we come and worship.

00:29:54

So when you sing with us right now, remember,

00:29:57

the battle has been won.

00:29:58

You are a citizen of God's Kingdom

00:30:00

and that's something that we can celebrate.

00:34:41

- Great worshiping with you.

00:34:43

Hey, we would love for you to join a group.

00:34:45

There is a group for you.

00:34:47

One of them for you might be the weekend follow up group.

00:34:51

Super easy, you just connect via video chat

00:34:54

with people around you and you process

00:34:56

what you just heard in the weekend message.

00:34:57

It is an amazing group.

00:34:59

You can follow the instructions on the screen.

00:35:01

We'd love to get you set up with a perfect group for you.

00:35:04

Also, don't forget, if you're feeling isolated

00:35:05

right now or alone, we would love to talk with you.

00:35:08

You can go to Crossroads.net/talk.

00:35:11

And remember, everything we do at Crossroads

00:35:13

is funded by the generosity of everyday people

00:35:17

just like you.

00:35:18

To give, you can go to Crossroads.net/give.

00:35:22

I will see you next weekend where I'll be talking

00:35:26

about how God has designed you

00:35:28

to have the mindset of a superhero. Really.

00:35:32

If you don't believe me, that seems like a stretch,

00:35:35

I'd love to prove it to you next weekend.

00:35:37

We'll see you then.

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