Comparison and self-sabotage have been stealing from me for far too long, preventing me from feeling worthy of God’s love. I am finding a better way forward, and I think you can too.
You might be able to keep yours hidden, but we’re all a hot mess. Every person has something that makes us feel like we’re not good enough; like our past will overshadow our future; that our life will never fit into the right package. You don’t have to stay there. No matter what lies in your past, there can be a better future ahead if you can get out of your own way.
You know your own mess—mine is divorce. I’ve heard, loud and clear, that God hates divorce, and I’ve let that intimidate me into believing that I had to be perfect, polished, and whole to be fully accepted by him. I’m slowly realizing the good news: Jesus calls me to join him as I am, not as I wish I could be. He invited me to sit down with him when I was at my messiest. He is inviting you to do the same.
I’m remarried now to a wonderful man who also went through a divorce and follows Jesus. Still, it’s hard not to struggle with comparison and regret from the past. It’s tempting to think that our blended family isn’t a “real” one. It’s the ghost of “what could have been” that haunts our hearts with grief for what was stolen.
As my husband and I recount stories of our children when they were babies, we are reminded that we didn’t know each other then. He rubbed another woman’s round, pregnant belly, and held her when their babies were born. Another man did the same with me. We were on separate paths from each other, spending the most intimate, life-changing moments without each other. We created families and exchanged vows with people we thought would stay on the path with us instead of choosing one that didn’t include us.
When we see intact families, ones that we label as “real,” we choke on envy because their cozy bubble hasn’t been ruptured. This only steals our happiness. Victimhood is a loop we get stuck in, telling ourselves this wasn’t supposed to happen.
Well, it did happen. Crappy, unexpected things happen every day to everyone, and Jesus continues to hold a seat at his table for you—right now—not one day when you feel like you’ve got your act together and life finally matches the script in your head.
He wants us as we are in this moment—be it difficult or joyous, depressing or challenging. This imperfect moment is the perfect moment to surrender and admit it is too much to do it alone. He wants to sit beside us at the table. He begs us to see what he sees instead of listening to the whispers of our past that tell us we are unlovable and unworthy.
In my darkest moments of feeling I would never measure up, God led me to a scripture that helped me begin to see my life in a new way:
The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
Could he really be talking about me? With my past, my baggage, my woundedness? He takes great delight in me, enough to rejoice over me with singing?
It’s true. God delights in all his children. That includes you and me. He doesn’t just tolerate or begrudgingly accept us. He doesn’t roll his eyes when we fall short of perfection—he delights in us. If that’s not good news, I don’t know what is!
His delight means I don’t have to continually tread the waters of my past, pick at the scabs of abandonment, or dwell in the darkness of pouting. There is a new day dawning.
This delight, of course, isn’t a free pass to do whatever I want, knowing forgiveness is always waiting for me. That would be a destructive and abusive way to treat the God who loves me so well. Instead, when I do mess up, I can come back to God (the churchy word is “repent”), knowing that our relationship will still be intact. In fact, it’s His delight that motivates me to keep growing spiritually.
Even knowing this truth, the darkness can still creep in. Sometimes, I admit, I look around me (even at church) and assume we are the only broken ones. It’s like God is inviting me to sit down with him, but I am sulking in the corner with my arms crossed, saying, “This isn’t fair. This isn’t the life I signed up for.”
It is in these moments that I need to remember another foundational scripture:
We know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
I actually do think He means all things, especially the things that challenge us and aren’t part of our plan. It’s taken years for me to believe that our past is a sacred part of our present. Understanding this is a necessary step in God transforming our hurt into hope.
My husband and I try to live outside the weight of our past—sometimes we succeed, sometimes we do not. Honestly, sometimes shame feels like the third person in our marriage. But still, we turn to Jesus, believing he continues to hold a place for us at this table. His invitation reads, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28).
We’re six years into our marriage. We have four children who are watching us to see how God continues to turn the ashes of our past into a fortress of laughter, love, new rituals, and a peace that comes with surrendering and trusting what he is doing surpasses our own agendas.
No, my husband didn’t rub my round pregnant belly, and I didn’t see him fall asleep with our babies on his chest, but those memories are a deceitful mirage. They are riptides that pull us under with their fictional allure. We remind ourselves to look away and that this present moment is the one Jesus wants our eyes fixed on. Watching our new family be birthed through work, faith, and a commitment to being real and rooted in today is where I want to keep my gaze.
Everyone carries hurt from the past. Addiction, regret, betrayal—God knows the weight on your shoulders. Having a relationship with Jesus doesn’t mean pretending that weight doesn’t exist and slapping on a smile. Instead, it means honestly bringing it to Him and asking for help.
No matter where you are in life—God delights in you today. In this very moment, no matter what. It’s not a magic wand that makes life easy. It’s honest, real love that transcends all of this earthly struggle that will (unfortunately) continue to be a part of the equation. But I believe this is true: your past will never shine brighter than the love and good plans God has for you today.
You can start to know this only when you remind yourself every day, so it becomes louder than the lies you’ve told yourself about not measuring up. Can you put down the weight of your past or who you’ve been telling yourself you are? Can you say yes to Jesus in this difficult moment, even when you don’t have all the answers?
You might think no one knows your pain and that life feels unfair, but God knows. He is delighted when we clumsily walk toward him, no matter how messy our lives feel. Scripture says Jesus died for us when we were at our worst. He’s not surprised by the state you’re in. He’s left a place open at his table for you. Surrender and join Him as you are.
My husband and I have learned to acknowledge our pain, pray about it, and openly admit we feel the weight of it. We lift that weight together instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. We feel it suffocating us less the more time goes on, and we understand that missing the beginning is less important than staying until the end.
It turns out that when we loosen our grip on the pen of life, the easier it is for Jesus to keep writing a better story.
Let us also lay aside every weight… and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith… (Hebrews 12:1-2)
Disclaimer: This article is 100% human-generated.
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At Crossroads, we major on the majors and minor on the minors. We welcome a diverse community of people who all agree that Jesus is Lord and Savior, even if they view minor theological and faith topics in different ways based on their unique experiences. Our various authors embody that principle, and we approach you, our reader, in the same fashion. You don’t have to agree with every detail of any article you see here to be part of this community or pursue faith. Chances are even our whole staff doesn’t even agree with every detail of what you just read. We are okay with that tension. And we think God is okay with that, too. The foundation of everything we do is a conviction that the Bible is true and that accepting Jesus is who he said he is leads to a healthy life of purpose and adventure—and eternal life with God.
